constant battle

It would so awesome, if for once I could eat normal portions. To consume a decent meal without bingeing, or under eating would be a stepping stone for me. It is undoubtably hard to imagine myself as a normal being. I can't see myself not fretting over how many calories I'm going to eat, or how hungry I am because I have not eaten. This disease has literally taken over my entire life. The majority of the time I just what to give up on my life, and myself, but I know that is unacceptable. Despite how desolated I feel, and how gross I feel at this very moment because I just binged, and I am not purging again for the fourth time today, I will keep trying to recover from this no matter what.

So tonight, before I go to bed, I am going to say to myself what I always say: "Tomorrow is a new day". Pretty much meaning, I will start over fresh tomorrow, and attempt to eat (for the umpteenth time) 3 normal portioned meals. Even if this is false hope I am holding onto, it's still better than no hope at all.

Epic fucking Fail

I was so excited about my new tat....

But now it's 24 hrs later, and I'm starting to really regret it.

I honestly want to cry. I've thought about getting this for over a year.

The whole point was to get something as a reminder to overcome my doubts and reservations about myself. Definitely ironic.

It covers my entire forearm too.

Not giving up.....Just getting started

My doctor prescribed the anti-depressant Celexa as well as a anti-anxiety drug called Xanax. I cannot deny that I am terrified to take either of them. This is absolutely the last resort for me. My anxiety, depression, and eating problems have become more cumbersome to me over the past year than I can ever imagine possible. I have always had a 'anti-medication' mindset when it pertained to mental health. The fear of dependancy scares me. Not to mention there is always a possibility the patient can turn out much worse than they were before they started using the medication. However, after much consideration I realize there is nothing wrong with mood altering drugs as long as it is monitored closely by a doctor, and it benefits you.

Like anyone in this world I just want to enjoy life. I want to smile genuinely. I don't not want to be overly anxious when I go out in public. I want to go out to social events with my friends without feeling sullen, or out of place. I want to eat normally without the feeling of guilt. What I'm asking for isn't overreaching. What I want is the basic day to day normalcy that most people have.

I'm determined to get it, even if it means trying something that scares me.